I have to admit I struggled between maintaining my privacy and reaching out to people. It's the same reason why I didn't, or rather stopped, posting pictures in my social media accounts and even minimized sharing quotes -- and realized I was and still fine with it -- because at some point, I felt I sounded too righteous. Knowing I was so flawed, struggling every now and then with my demons while keeping my balance, I felt guilty of being too "preachy". I lost the privilege of riding my high horse, so to speak, when I questioned everything I stood for. Even the simple act of sharing inspirational messages - thinking that by doing so would inspire someone and that someone would inspire another, and that one by one we could infuse more humanity in the chaotic world - lost its meaning.
I had no problem being open. My thought, joy, sarcasm, opinion, I shared them (and obviously, when it's a part of you, it never goes away, as evident by the posts here). But when one area of your life doesn't seem to fit with the other areas to make a whole you, everything you stood for and believed in seemed a... farce. That's what I felt, at least. So I stepped back - and was fine being a reader of my news feed and an amiable "Liker" of others' posts and photos - and scaled down my "sunshiny" personality. Can you imagine someone who's perpetually happy suddenly gotten dim? I felt like a sunflower in the desert, slowly wilting, day by day, under the intense heat of the sun, without the hope of being watered back to life anytime soon. I even had a soundtrack for it, Bright Eyes by Art Garfunkel. Lol.
That's what broken heart did to me, I just died. As Elite Daily stated, "Love Is A Motherf*cker". I suffered the pain of loss resulting from death but the pain of loss from someone breaking my heart, it's intense and magnified a thousand times (anyone who can relate, raise your arms). Maybe because I sincerely and faithfully put my trust in someone who assured me he would be there through the tough and happy times and suddenly, I found myself coping things alone. What's worst, it made me question if there was authenticity to every word he uttered and made me ask the most dreaded question: Did he even love me?
It's true that we go through a lot of broken hearts in our lifetime and, most of them are our own making. To further stress the last part, I SOLELY feel responsible for all my broken hearts, because I made the choice to be a part of something, and in the case of a love affair gone wrong, I made the choice to make the person become a part of me. I know, I'm trying to be a captain of my ship, even if the ship wrecked me. Lol.
There are different levels of broken heart. Some we seem to recover easily in no time. But some just takes time and it changes us in so many ways like nothing else can. It changes our perspectives and the relationships we have with others. There's a definite taint in the issue of trust. We become selective of who should we let in in our lives. But the problem with it, we become closed off and we lost the chance to be a blessing to others.
But it's justified, right? The fear of being too vulnerable. The thought of people laughing at your misery. The loathing of being called stupid and affirming to the label. They weighed too much on the shoulders.
I shouted out loud before on so many occasions, "Yo, it's okay to wallow in misery", because somehow we all manage to find ourselves out of hell and end up okay. And that's what makes pain beautiful. Only, we won't see the beauty of it until it's over and we make it to the other side and evolve into someone better with higher level of consciousness, more mindful of ourselves and more empathetic about others.
Pain is a gift in a deformed box. We just have to have the grace to accept it and the patience to slowly peel off its wrapper before we can unravel, delight and be grateful of the beautiful content.
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