When Feeling Abandoned, Reach Out

Credit to whoever did the illustration.

Few weeks ago, I got a text from a friend who I haven't heard from for a long time. Again, the customary "how are you" was thrown back and forth. But before that, I asked who was it because the sender only registered a number, but the delivery of the text was familiar, telling me that who it was, was at some point in my lifetime was someone I was in close contact with. And she was, when I confirmed the ID. She was, even without the emoticon, sounded disappointed  that I had to ask, telling me she never deleted my number. I had to explain that I changed phone, that I saved my contacts in my phone memory and my old phone's battery gave up and the battery's model was phased out, so I had no way of retrieving my contacts' number. You know the feeling that the person you're talking to doesn't believe the word you're saying? I had that, with the "uhm, okay" reply. I let that slide. I have learnt that when you know you are sincerely telling the truth, you don't have to insist you are right.

I was happy to reconnect with her because I haven't heard from her for quite a while. Yes it was through texts, but she's an old friend and, whatever way to keep in touch is keeping in touch. She said she felt abandoned, so she stayed away from social media, i.e. Facebook, the site where we're connected. I told her I left a message on her wall, if she had read it? Her declaration of abandonment quite stunned me because I tried to connect with her through Facebook. Still, I let that slide, thinking that to launch my defense against the accusation would rouse more resentment from both of us.

That "attack" came at a crucial point in my timeline (was going through an epic evolution,redrawing my inner map). It's surprising, yet revealing. I got where she came from. I felt that abandonment she was referring, that feeling that nobody understood and that no one will understand you, so you build a wall around you to protect yourself from rejection, founded or imagined. I felt resentment on her "abandoned" statement. We lived parallel lives, yet I chose not to point fingers on whom or what to blame my pain. I realized that the abandonment we feel is a matter of perception; perhaps a defense mechanism to repel that fear of rejection, a reason to justify the hurt when our needs are not met. So what do we do? We distance ourselves from others, from our friends, from our families. We extricate ourself from the circle, to be alone in our misery, masochistically reveling our aloneness in the misery, at the same time, getting bitter and angry of everyone who do not get our misery. 

....

In this world full of duplicities, someone out there truly, sincerely, deeply gives a fuck about you. Reach out. Someone in the hundred or so in your friends' list would drop what they are doing or forget what they are going through to be there for you. Just reach out. Someone would freeze his/her own hell to show up for you; to pat you on the back, commune with you, sit with you in silence, hold your hand, and confidently tell you that it's going to be okay. Just.reach.out. 

The two things that hold us hostage are fear and pride -- we fear of rejection, so we rely on our pride to get through life single-handedly. It's true that walking alone would get you somewhere and doing so opens possibilities you can reach, of which you never thought possible. Nevertheless, it'll be nice that know that someone  has your back. But you never know until you reach out. You will never find out if you don't ask. You know what else I learnt? Someone who's honest and brave enough to point out your shortcomings, either as a friend or a lover or family, they're the very people who will get you and will show up for you. In the world where your struggle becomes some people's amusement and subject of mockery, find company in the people who managed to confront their humanity. They're the ones who will be there for you. All you need to do is reach out.

Let Me Not Die While I Am Still Alive

For a while I had been functioning as the rational being in the most logical sense. Everything I did and thought was governed with reason. To sum it up in the most (non)intelligent way, I existed using my brain.

A part of me was switched off. A part of me felt numbed, dormant, still, waiting to be resuscitated back to life. And I didn't know how to do it, I didn't how to turn the zest on. Like those moments when emotions overtook all reasons, the realization that life lived all out with reason alone was also paralyzing, it threw me into panic. Shit! Where did my heart go?

It was not the life I wanted, the half-dead. It's not the life I bargained for when I chose to live my every day. Pain is pain, but it feels so much better than being numbed. It at least offers me options for growth and discoveries and experiments. While numbness, it's a linear highway to death, everything is colored in monotonous black or white. Hello, Pleasantville!

I want color. I want chaos. I want a roller coaster ride. I complain, yes, and crave peace when it feels like my world is turned upside down. But I can manage to ride with the peaks and troughs in the series of life's crests better than gliding on the flat line of deadness inside.

Numbness only serves its purpose for a little while, when we're too damn tired to deal with the pain and worries. We're designed to live and getting out of it is a choice and it entails hardwork to thaw away the ice that frozen our heart. We're designed to live and not just exist. 

Let me not die while I am still alive. It's Hannah's prayer when she was depressed being childless and being constantly ridiculed for it. She refused to let her spirit die. Sheryl Sandberg also reminded herself of that powerful line to go on living after her husband died. And I am adapting it, to push myself to seek the essentials of what makes life worth living.

Whenever I feel my head floating and my heart sinking, I remember this phrase. Whenever I feel I'm switching on auto-pilot, I let the words ring in my head. To wake up what's sleeping in me, to pinch that part of my soul that hardened, to guide me in finding ways, any ways, to help me blow air into my own life raft. Trust me when I say, we have that power within us that knows what we ought to do and recognizing the internal disengagement is a breakthrough. If you find yourself in that cold boat, row, darlings. Row to where the sunshine is. Light that fire within you to guide and show you where you are going. Don't waste your everyday isolated in that numb, cold and dark world.

I'll leave this quote from Albert Camus:In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invisible summer. The seed to life is always within you. For God is within you.

On Love

If love has a manual to follow, maybe we would not be at our wits’ end, deciphering every gesture, every word, and every nuance. If love is set, we would not worry our heart dropping to the ground at every turn with its uncertainties. If love has a map, maybe no one will fear the unfamiliar, inconvenience and unconventional it is notoriously known of. But maybe, all that makes love compelling; it is both the magic we desire and danger we repel.

 ~O~

Love has no clear and distinct definition. Its definition is inexhaustible, with varying connotations to different people. What we know of it is guided by its execution. It can feel/look/sound like an act ordained by the divine, or it becomes a distorted truth corollary of a devious game. It can be ideal with fluffy clouds, rainbows, and butterflies, or it can be raw, honest, and brutal, labored with real grit.

 ~O~

Believe and seek the higher love; the love that seeks for the higher good, the love that does not play games, the love referred to by Paul in his letter to the Corinthians, the love that fuqing hurts because it is real, the love that is faithful to the truth, the love that shines because it is pure, the love that conquers wickedness, the love that defeats bitterness and cures indifference. Love is not a weakness, but a power – an emancipation chosen and acted upon by REAL men and women.

Some Kind Of Explanation For The Slack In This Blog

I don't know where or how to begin. Few days of not being able to post an entry here thrown me into some kind of vortex, where every space was filled with thoughts of events and emotions, too many in fact, that I'm having a hard time collating them according to their respective subject. There was my obligatory (lol) New Year's resolution listicle, the part two of Cebu City's photo blog, which I guess I just have to do next year, if I will be in the country, because... I spent few days in another island in Mindanao [right after I got back in Cebu from Southern Leyte] because my grandfather died, and yes, there are pervading thoughts of death with the people around me getting older and dying.

Lots of one day. For resolutions. For plans. Some never get to see the light of day. Some were set into motion, Some ended the way they should be. Some just have to be halted/suspended because of diversions, or some things need immediate priorities than the others. With all the things that happened and did not not happen, I always have this first thought of: Where do I stand in all this?

I don't want to make a big drama out of the ordinary (but I do find magic in the ordinary). Maybe I have come to accept the realities of life: the miracle of birth and inevitable death, the joy of winning and the sting of losing/failing, the magic in falling in love and the torture of its end, the highs of creativity and necessity of slacking, the yin and yang of all things that spiced up our lives. Sometimes acceptance pushes you to go through every emotion and be in the moment, no matter how painful it is. Sometimes it allows you to be "removed" and become a distant observer of the drama in your life, watching them like strips of film rolling out before your eyes, with you separating the good memories (to be fondly reminisced in the growing years) from the bad hard ones (they are always the origin of one's evolution;suffering, therefore, is necessary...as reiterated by Nietzsche).

There are some journeys in life one has to make alone. There are stories of which, details do not need to be told. One day at a time, one has to make peace of the things that had been and the things that did not become and one day at a time, one has to move on for the great things that will be. Maybe one day, the stories will unfurl naturally, one blog entry at a time. For now, I apologize for slacking in my blog. I will get back on track in due time.

The Mishaps In The Christmas Kitchen

A rather late post, because I was in the island for the holiday. There, it's a struggle to connect to the internet. I couldn't walk around the house with  my phone. It has to be strategically placed near windows on strategic parts of the house to get a better signal. Every blog entry I wanted to post was "patiently" on hold, because I could only connect - with limits - from my phone. In short, I could only read the stuff here and of the other sites, but quite a frustration to post an entry.

Anyway, one of the things I look forward on Christmas season is the getting together and doing things together part. From putting up the Christmas decors to cooking in the kitchen, then of course the best part of all, eating together. Lol.

This year, I was not able to help put up the Christmas decors at home in the province because I was in the city. The apartment in the city is also home, but we do not decorate it like we do in the family home and the only thing that represents the season are two Santa Claus figurines standing near the TV monitor on the cabinet. On special holidays like Christmas and New Year, we always go home to be with our parents, if the circumstances (e.g. weather and proximity [well, if we're in the country]) allow us.

Except for my brother who stayed in Cebu City because he had to work on Christmas day, all of us at home were doing our part in the kitchen the day before Christmas (that is when the magic in the kitchen happens). When you put people in a small area, on a fine busy day, with lots of things to do, temper could flare up. However, we have rule on times like this. To just “chill”, whatever happens. It is actually a rule initiated to keep my mother’s short temper under control (everyone who's aging, no matter how gracefully, are ultra sensitive to things, so...). As we were preparing the food for the Christmas feast, the rule came in handy to rein emotions (lol) when the following mishaps took place in the kitchen:

1.)    I managed to break the fiberglass chopping board while I cut the chicken bone with the force I exerted. The huge knife was somewhat heavy and the chicken bone was a little willful and did not want to be severed (lol). The chopping board were shattered into hundred shards, but thankfully they were not as fine and as scattered like the ordinary glass do when it breaks. However, I got so paranoid of the sting in my right eye after I broke it that I rushed upstairs to check in the mirror for any shard poking my eyeball. While climbing the staircase I was thinking, “If a broken glass flew in my eye, surely, it’s already bleeding by now, right?” That usually happens in movies, you know. You cannot fault me for thinking that. Lol.

2.)    I got too excited to cut the chicken parts that I also did the other chicken that was supposed to be grilled in the turbo broiler. There were two whole chickens. My sister, Moonyeen, cut the breast of the first one to be poached for the chicken macaroni salad and I cut the rest of the parts of the first one (thinking we will have breaded chickens) and did the other chicken. My mom was aghast with what I did. Well, she did not say in advance what the chickens were for! 

3.) Uh, the chicken macaroni salad...the pasta sort of looked inferior from too much mixing. The ingredients were put on installment instead of putting it one time, thus the pasta were torn by the grinding of the ladles. 

4.)    My sister, Kim, forgot to peel the skin of the peanuts before crushing them with mortar and pestle. The peanuts were used as garnish for my mom’s recipe, the Fresh Lumpia, to be served for the priests’ (who officiated the Christmas eve’s) dinner. I am not sure if the priests, and whoever ate the lumpias, noticed the unwanted peanut skin. I swear we tried straining it to save my sister’s skin (pun intended!) – a futile effort. My mom’s face crumpled, when my sister confessed her crime with a guilty grin. The crushed peanuts (let us not forget the skin) became one of those do-with-what-becomes-of-what-you-have stuffs.

5.) Because my mom hadn't made Fresh Lumpia for a long time and she's one cook who estimates measurement, she kind of messed up the wrapper and wasted a portion of the mixture from doing trial-and-error. I also have to blame the pan she used, it did not have a flat bottom. But, you make do of what you have, right?

6.)    My sister, Rikka, prematurely took the baked cake out from the oven. Wondering why it did not come out from the pan as she tried to turn it over the baking sheet, she poked the center with a knife and found it runny and uncooked. Like a lightning bolt, she quickly returned the cake in the oven before my mom could return to the kitchen. Our oven has no timer, so we keep track of the baking time and peek the look of whatever is baking through the glass door of the oven. Rikka was mesmerized with the beautiful brown cake with the top rising that she forgot something: looks can be deceiving!

7.)    My father flooded the tiled kitchen counter with oil. He accidentally swung his hand at the jar that contained the oil.

8.)    Because Rikka was so into frosting the cake ( a spur-of-the-moment thing supported by my other siblings and I because we like the fancy sound of it), but we had no whipping cream at home, so she whipped two tetra packs of frozen all purpose cream with lots of icing sugar. The mixture never hardened even until we set up the table for the midnight feast. BUT, as ingenious as always, she and Moonyeen thought of ways to have the Christmas color we wanted with the help of icing sugar and jelly candies (see the above picture!) What happened to the cream mixture? It hardened on time for Christmas day, looked and tasted like ice cream, that the slices of chiffon cake were topped off with it! But with the icing sugar in the mixture...too sweet for me. 

No flying pans. No angry words. Although we encountered some concerns in the kitchen, they did not ruin our Christmas. On the other hand, they made the Christmas 2015 more unforgettable, because we could look back at it with amusement. Also, we're grown-ups, but doing stuff in the kitchen on Christmas eve, we're all like kids again, bursting with excitement and prone to committing mistakes (lol). So, nope, the mishaps did not sound bad, they added color to the holiday, and they become part of the stories that will be served on the table for the years to come. 

All in all, though incomplete without my brother, it was a merry Christmas indeed! AND, I wish you had a lovely holiday from your side of the world. :)

Cebu City Christmas 2015: A Photo Blog Part 1

It's been a while, the second long hiatus for the year. Lol.

I promised to update photos for this season because the country which celebrates a loooong Christmas deserves to be highlighted and I'm hoping to make up for it.

But the photos I was supposed to take did not materialize, because: 1) I'm pressed for time, 2) due to some circumstances beyond my control, and 3) it's rainy season and some streets got flooded. 

Cebu City has an annual celebration every third Sunday of January in honor of Snr. Sto. Niño, the Sinulog Festival. So, the Christmas decorations in the city, lights and all, remain where they are until the end of January. The coming 2016 is extra special. The Catholic Church will hold the International Eucharistic Congress in the city. It will be very crowded with the influx of delegates for the congress, domestic and international tourists who will join the revelry, participants of the Grand Sinulog Parade, and devotees of the Patron Saint.

Why was I telling all that? Well, if you have the desire to come to Cebu City for the festival, you will still spot the scenes I have captured in my camera. But, you can probably do more justice with your camera than I did with mine.

So, here are some photos. More that I had neglected to capture, I'll do so after the holidays. Better late than sorry. Lol.


The picture says it all!

It's near the Crown Regency. Check this entry.

Every year, the same sponsor (a family of French descent that owns a jewelry shop, pawnshop, furniture and food company, etc.) puts up the Christmas tree. The design varies, though. Something to look forward to every year. The tree is set up inside the Fuente Osmeña Circle.

There is a lot going on here that my lens was not able to capture. A fountain with the flowing water. A variety show on the stage inside the circle. Food stalls. Lots of peeps just chillaxing and taking in the view and enjoying the cold weather.  Christmas lights hanging on trees. More lights on the iron fence of the circle.

The stretch of Osmeña Boulevard/Jones Avenue ('tis the old name, but people still use it).

The Cebu Provincial Capitol.

The stretch of Osmeña Boulevard/Jones Avenue ('tis the old name, but people still use it).

The Cebu Metropolitan Cathedral.

And the church I frequently go to, the oldest in the city. It has a beautiful interior with antique religious relics and chandeliers. At the moment, masses are held in the pilgrimage center. Although people are allowed to go inside, it is still not safe with the church's ongoing renovation after it was damaged by the 2013 killer earthquake (the one that also hit Bohol).

Basilica Minore del Sto. Niño.

Pasko is Christmas in English.

And, lastly. Two huge malls recently opened, SM City Seaside (which said to be the 4th largest in the world and I have yet to visit) and Robinson's Galleria Cebu, which part of the interior is shown below.

Musings Re Facebook Tint

This period has heard a call to be true to one's self. There is an outcry to SPEAK. We are encourage to speak our truth, to voice out our opinion, to push our ideologies. Thus, anywhere in the internet we can read anything and everything, from the most important to the very trivial. Maybe it's good because it allows us to tell our stories and be a part of something and aid change.

However, in that wake, we are in haste to belong. Maybe on some cases we resonate to the cause (whatever that may be) and, the idea in which it has been founded echoes our sentiment. That's good because we have companies to rally with. Strength in numbers, shared ethos and zealousness - the very same factors that usher the movement of extremists - are fundamental requirements that drive a revolution.

In this era where everything seems seamlessly connected and the line of true identity that separates one from the rest is blurred, how do we sift the revolutionists from the junkies who just choose to belong "just because". Should we identify ourselves to what's popular, what's trending, what's common...because, you know, status quo and oh, "I'm doing it because everybody's doing it!". Blah. I sometimes wonder which is more tragic, being well-informed or being blissfully ignorant, being highly sensitive or being indifferent. If there's no absolute truth, there is no such thing then as rightful indignation?

I would leave the musings as they are rather than explain in long narrative my stance on the (no) Facebook tinted profile picture (in my opinion it promoted divisiveness), which the musings alluded to. Restrain is acutely painful when you have a lot to say. But sometimes, being unobtrusive is more empowering than being very opinionated. 

For Paris, For Beirut, For Baghdad, For Humanity

For the cities that are covered in dark terror right now, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

For the families and friends of the innocent victims, I pray for peace and strength.

To the citizens of Iraq, Lebanon, France, the rest of the world who value peace and security are with you against terrorism.

I don't know what to say. How do you comfort the people who are suffering? Maybe for someone who can imagine the horror, being empathetic will quite do? So despicable of terrorists to feed on other people's fear and anguish. What makes it especially disturbing to me is that Christmas is coming and the families and friends of the innocent victims are going to spend the holiday mourning for the loved ones they lost. It is painful to lose someone you know is dying, but suddenly losing someone from a contemptible act  is beyond forgivable. I pray they will heal in time.

This world is hurting and more divided than ever. We are living with the hell we create. 

It's Already Chrismassy In The Pearl Of The Orient!

Officially, Christmas in the Philippines starts on September 1st, the beginning of the BER months. Every FM and AM station plays Christmas songs daily from September 1 until the New Year. Department stores display Christmas decorations along side costumes and spooky decors for Halloween as early as October. At this time, the streets are already teeming with carolers. Some street children get in the public vehicles (jeepneys, please see the image) to appeal on passengers' good hearts with their voices. Their set list includes both Christmas songs and current English and Filipino hits. The older carolers, on the other hand, visit houses and business establishments with their instruments. 

The Philippines, I think, is the only country in the world that celebrates a looooong Christmas, which, every Filipino living abroad always misses. So, I'll be posting updates as the season progresses because I just love Christmas! Who doesn't?

The giant Christmas tree in SM City Cebu.

SM Christmas Village of Hope

For the background story of SM Christmas Village of Hope, please follow these links: 

http://kythe.org/site/blog/2013/11/27/clayton-joji-tugonons-cebu-christmas-village-of-hope/

http://specials.sunstar.com.ph/communitynews/2015/11/05/sm-city-cebu-unveils-christmas-village/

And for detailed photographs of some of the miniature scenes, you can check here.

Books + look/feel of Christmas = my kind of a happy place.  Double happiness.

Inside my sister's university.

Maybe I Like Being Human

Maybe I like being a little broken, with some parts of me slowly mending, while other parts are waiting for their sunshine. Maybe I like picking up the pieces, finding the right parts to fit into the jagged ones. Maybe I like the fragments that sum me up. Maybe I like being flawed, disfigured, imperfect.

Maybe I like the discomforts. Maybe I like the insanity, the chaos, the uncertainty of existing. Maybe I am perverse. Maybe I am abnormal. Maybe I am anomalous. Maybe I like my own warped reason. Maybe I like being the odd. The strange. The inimitable. Maybe I like being simple. Maybe I like being complicated. Maybe I like going through the phases. Maybe I like the cycle of it.

Maybe I like the gloominess. Maybe I like groping in the dark. Maybe I like the breaking of dawn. Maybe I like braving the raging storm. Maybe I like controlling the broken wheel. Maybe I like the wrench in the gut. Maybe I like smoothing my knotted innards. Maybe I like the slowness of the process.

Maybe I like the struggles. Maybe I like pulling my messy hair. Maybe I like sinking my nails in the mud. Maybe I like crawling with my hands and knees on rocks, on hard floors, on walls. Maybe I like banging my head on the wall, or burying them in the sand. Maybe I like the battle. Maybe I like being scarred.

Maybe I like beating the odds. Maybe I like the power of bearing the inconvenience. Maybe I like the adrenaline high from jumping over the hurdles. Maybe I like the challenge of putting my puzzles together. Maybe I like the breakthroughs.

Maybe I like being stationary. Maybe I like pushing my limits. Maybe I like conventional. Maybe I like surprises. Maybe I like being in control. Maybe I like being stirred. Maybe I like docility. Maybe I like running wild free. Maybe I like being a sinner. Maybe I like living with a virtue.

Maybe I like being alone. Maybe I like walking in the crowd. Maybe I like to get what I see. Maybe I like the madness of second-guessing. Maybe I like monotony. Maybe I like the roller coaster ride. Maybe I like banalities. Maybe I like novelties.

Maybe I like being funny. Maybe I like the sarcasm. Maybe I like being silly. Maybe I like being proper. Maybe I like being emotional. Maybe I like being unfazed.

Maybe I like to tear me apart. Maybe I like the death of who I was. Maybe I like to mold me. Maybe I like to recreate me. Maybe I like the agony of my rebirth. Maybe I like the multiplicity in me. Maybe I like spreading myself. Maybe I like making me whole. Maybe I like boxing myself in. Maybe I like to let loose. Maybe I like being on the ground. Maybe I like to fly. Maybe I like being home. Maybe I like being out in the world.

Maybe I like being consistent. Maybe I like being a paradox. Maybe I like the black holes in my existence. Maybe I like the explosion of my inner universe. Maybe I like my own perfectly imperfect world. Maybe I like being human. Maybe, I like it excessively. 

The Universe Is In You, In Us

The big bang theory was based on the idea that at some point in time, a matter exploded to create the universe and it continues to expand. There is also the idea that like everything else observable that reaches its edge, the universe could suffer the same feat. The universe would collapse. Everything would just be vacuum back to where it began in one big whoosh, which the Physicists theorized as the big crunch. [OR – other possible scenarios according to moi- the gravity that holds everything together would be loose and everything becomes a chaos of bouncing matters, colliding against each other, or everything just stops there at that moment and drops to nothingness. ]

It was during this discussion that my Physics teacher brought up Retin-A, you know, the anti-aging treatment cream. He said the cream is only treating the outer skin, erasing or minimizing wrinkles. Constantly applying it also means a thickening of sagging skin tissues underneath. He was scared about the reverse effect, that the treatment would lose its effectivity and that all the wrinkly tissues would just resurface at once. I think he worried unnecessarily (though it was understandable). Matter ultimately ages no matter what we do.

But we try to suspend, prevent, and delay aging.  Thus, the Botox, face lifting, acupuncture and I am not sure what else is there in the market. Good for those who can afford it, bad for those who cannot. We put so much value on beauty, which leads me to…

I was reading Philosophy of Man (POM) few days ago. I was in the part where the author highlighted the contributions of the three Greek philosophers in history, Socrates, Plato and Aristotle. There were also some facts about their lives. One was unnecessary and totally off (considering the entire philosophical contents of POM [why the eff is there an auto link to something when I write t-h-e-b-o-o-k???] ) the #2 of this:

“Said to be an ugly woman”. Said to be…it was not even a hard-core fact. Tsk. Tsk.

No wonder a lot feels insecure even where they are beautiful. No wonder everyone is clamoring to be physically beautiful. No one wants to be immortalized in history as ugly.

You are what inside matters. You have the universe in you with all your mysteries and beauties. If they could not see that, they must be in their own black hole. 

There will always be different concepts of beauty. For a while, forget what you see, forget what you were told, forget about the concept of beauty. For a while, dwell on what Neil DeGrasse Tyson said:

"The universe is in us.

The very atoms of your body—the iron, calcium, phosphorus, carbon, nitrogen, oxygen—were initially forged in long-dead stars. This is why, when you stand outside under a moonless, country sky, you feel some ineffable tugging at your innards. We are star stuff."

Science is freakingmazing and I am always awestruck by the Creator of us. 

Considering the elements you are made of and the intangible building blocks (thoughts, dreams, ambition, character, wisdom, etc.) that make you who you are and the evolution you go through as a person, heck, you are very beautiful. Don't forget that.

Tricky Treat O' Lemony Sneak It

I am a HUGE fan of Claire Robinson and her 5-ingredient fix. She said this line: You can be your own chef. That, plus Julia Child’s encouragement: The only real stumbling block is fear of failure; in cooking you've got to have a "what-the-hell" attitude. As far as embarking on culinary adventure is concern, they echo my sentiment. Yes, they echo my sentiment and not the other way around. LOL.

If you had seen Any Given Sunday (one of my favorite movies, mainly because of Al Pacino’s punchy lines…tmi), the character of Dennis Quaid said this famous line to Willie Beamen: See it before you do it. That line seemed to have been integrated into my preparation before I dive into something for the first time. A conditioning of some kind. It seems very applicable when it comes to cooking, because you know, who wants to waste ingredients. That being said, I thought of making a sweet treat from combining lemon, lemon grass and coconut cream. The idea came from Dove’s body wash, the one with lemongrass and lemon scent. I love it so much that I thought of translating it into dessert. Lol. But I was not able to fully imagine the taste in my head, yet.

Nevertheless, minus the lemon grass, I cooked up a jellied dessert of lemon and coconut cream. I try to make it with five ingredients (call me a copycat, lol):

1 cup of Coconut Cream

1 cup of Evaporated Milk

½ cup Refined Sugar

1 pc of Lemon

1 ½ tbsp of yellow gelatin

¼ cup Evaporated Milk (to dissolve the gelatin)

1 tsp Lemon zest

Coconut is abundant in my country. But for the purpose of measurement and availability (in consideration of foreigners or another Filipino residing abroad who will fearlessly dare to try this) of Coconut Cream, I used the canned.

Whisk together the coconut cream and evaporated milk in a pan. Add sugar until dissolved. You can adjust the amount of sugar according to your preferred sweetness. Squeeze the juice of first half of the lemon. Taste and adjust to your preferred acidity. The acidity should balance the sweetness of the sugar. Add the lemon zest. Pour in the dissolved gelatin to the mixture and whisk to combine. When ready, put in the fire and slowly stir for about 5-10 minutes. Do not let it boil too much. The coconut cream reacts to heat and heat may tamper the properties of the cream, making the natural oil separates from it and changes the taste. When done, transfer to a molder or set it in glasses (like I did). Let it cool for few minutes before you put it in the refrigerator to chill.

This recipe is still in development. I have yet to incorporate the lemon grass, to try using cream (maybe the all purpose, because it is widely available in my country), to scrap out the gelatin and to use the fresh coconut cream. I will update when I can.

For now, it is called Coconut Lemon Gulaman. Hope you guys are having a Happy Halloween!!! J

STK Ta Bay! Paolito's Seafood House

My brother, two cousins and I, had dinner in another SuTuKil (Sugba-Tula-Kilaw) type of restaurant, STK ta Bay. It is in A. Climaco Street (former Orchid Street), Capitol Site, Cebu City. They have two buildings, one is next-door neighbor of Bucket Shrimp (read the blog entry here) and the other one is across the street.

We first went inside the newer building, but all the tables were taken, so we crossed the street to check if there were vacant tables in the other building. If there were none, we would have ended in Bucket Shrimp (which was originally the plan where to have dinner). Thank God, there was a vacant table for four! My concern was how long it would take the food to arrive, because I was so famished! We did not have to wait long. Good sigh.

I was sure my eyes popped out of their sockets when I noticed the decorations. All over the area, on shelves and walls, antiques were displayed neatly. I was like, “Oh my god, we had those and those and those…” mentally pointing at the objects I had seen in my childhood. Old transistor radios! Gas lamps! Manual sewing machine! Wooden wall clocks! Old telephones! I did some jumping jacks in my head and felt like a five year old taking them all in, like I was knowing them for the first time. Lol.

Rock, rock, 'round the clock!

My heart sang when I (finally) noticed that most of the furniture are made of wood. I hope I did not look like a fish with the mouth open. Lol. Boy, the old soul in me was so glad being in a room filled with woods and old articles.

Uh, she's doing what I was doing. Look, green telephone!

There were long rectangular tables that could seat 10-12 persons. From near us, was a circular table that seated six persons. Most of the tables are for four persons. They also have tables outside, if you want to dine al fresco.

1.) My shy cousin. 2.) One of the long tables. 3.) Window panels are made of wood and Capiz shells.

We had Grilled Tuna Panga (Grilled Tuna Jaw), Fish Tinola (Fish Soup), Kinilaw with Gata (Raw Fish Salad with Coconut Cream), Guso Salad (Eucheuma Seaweed Salad ) and 2 platters of plain rice (I learned later that their Bagoong Fried Rice was to die for…maybe next time).

Kinilaw with Gata

Grilled Tuna Panga

Guso Salad

Fish Soup. The one we had was loaded with alugbati leaves (Malabar spinach)

I have to say that the four-person table was a bit small for four persons. With 2 platters of rice, (understandable) huge plate of grilled fish, fish stew in a wider bowl (that took most of the space), two servings of fresh starters, 1.5 liter of Coke, glasses, saucers (for the sauce) and condiments, our table was packed! Another caution, you have to ask for table napkins because there was none on the table (maybe it was just our table... maybe an overlook [a slight one you can brush off] on their part... maybe it just happened at that time...).

We had a quick dinner because my brother was going to work and I was so hungry I kept on eating until I had my fill (don't judge me, lol), so I was not able to take pictures of our little feast. But it kinda looked like this:

Some plateful experience.

STK ta Bay has a wide selection in the menu list. It is open from 8 A.M.  to 10 P.M.

The interior decoration, I could not fully describe it with my words. You have to be there to appreciate it and it will be worth your time. I'm sure the diners, local and foreign (that had been there) would agree with me on this. If it happens you want to travel to Cebu City, this place should must be in your list. :)

The Curious Case Of Apolinario Mabini In The Modern Era

There was a post in someone’s Facebook that went viral in lieu of the showing of “Heneral Luna”. I found it amusing that an important figure in history, Apolinario Mabini (A.M.), was lost to the younger generation, which should not be, because his role in reshaping the Philippines was vital, even if he was on his wheelchair.

The girl asking her boyfriend why A.M. was on his chair all throughout the movie roused netizens to mock her, that she should have paid attention to her history class, stressing further the need for less internet time and selfie indulgence. They may seem separate arguments, the time spend online may not be the cause of her ignorance. However, the fact that a teenager asked it and considering there is an abundance of information, what then the youth has been doing with it. Obviously, there was negligence on her part and forgetting a Philippine hero is quite unforgivable and, every re-share compounds the crime (imagine that in thousands). How then are the younger generations behaving in this digital era?

On the other hand, the one who posted it on her wall could have not posted it, but that was her prerogative. In a sense, it brought something good. It became a point of discussion. It raised awareness on everyone the importance of history, individual responsibility and medium of communication. How everyone is going to take it from there however, remains to be seen.

There was an interesting point my friend raised when we discussed about the viral post. He said that maybe the girl knew about Apolinario Mabini, but her recollection of him as polio-victim hero on a wheelchair was not deeply rooted, because polio has been contained (thanks to medicine!) and there are not many victims around on wheelchairs she could associate with the disease. It could be the case.

Still…

Excuses do not make blunders right.

--------------------

This period in history, wherein almost all information is available in a stroke of a finger, we should feel lucky. Bless are the souls who revolutionized the digital universe. They make life easy! From the ways of tying shoes to the big bang of the universe, the internet provides million links in a matter of seconds and all one needs to do is choose which one of the links provides the closest information to what he or she is looking for. We do not even need to exert much effort.

Gone are the days when students have to make a queue in the library to make reservations on the assigned reading materials. They do not need to wait for hours or days of the availability (because someone else have it before them and forgot to return) of the reserved books.  They do not need to rush to the library after class to find answers to their assignments, nor do they need to stay for hours inside the library because the reference materials they are using are not to be taken out. They do not need to borrow books from classmates or friends, either.  All these considered, it is a good thing. Less time spend on research would mean a spare time for other (valuable) pursuits.

However, it promotes dependency. In the context of personal growth, it is not exactly commendable. It reduces the ability to be resourceful. If not lost, the ability to be analytical has also lessened.  Most are contented to accept information at face value and mistake it for a fact, without making further and deeper dig on the subject.  Why should they, if it is in the internet, it must be true, right?

With progress, have we become shallower individuals? We feed on gossips, showbiz news, and faster trends. We are indulgent: selfie, shoefie, bagfie, and etc-fies. Some correlate their worth with the likes they get. Some revolve their lives in social media. Does it fill what is missing in our lives? We can deny it if we must, but it has become the reality. And the youth is catching faster on it.

With too much information, I do not know though if this period has depth that could seduce the future minds, whether it has the same allure and enigma that draw us to the history of the past.

I hope so. 

Humanity, More Than Ever

War is everywhere. Innocent people are dying, caught in the crossfire of factions fighting to push their own truths (no matter how perverse the truths are). Millions of people are displaced - a Diaspora like no other - driven from their own home, seeking refuge in other countries, even where they are not welcome. It is easy to focus on the beauty this world can offer, but it is harder to ignore atrocities.

Few days ago, when I tuned in to CNN, there was a woman and a man lost in their grief. The woman was rocking herself back and forth while sitting on the pavement and crying without tears. The man was singing in lamentation with eyes close, held by another man. Both were parents. Both lost their children from the bombing in Ankara. It broke my heart in thousand of ways and, made me think of my parents and my future children.

The extent of evil one can do - in the name of religion, in defense of ideas, in pursuit of power, in claiming autonomy. It is unthinkable.

Do they ever reflect what is right from wrong? Were they even aware of the consequences of their actions? Desecrating their homeland by destroying thousand year-old architectures and beating and killing their people to instill fear, is a death of a culture.  Terrorism is selfish. It is cowardice.  It is bullshit.

To make it worse, some people commercially thrive on war and fatten their bank accounts.

Man is born with inherent goodness. When and where then the character got twisted.

In my opinion, only the weak yield to wickedness.

Mercury Retrograde, Are You Not Done Yet?

Mercury retrograde, it's the phenomenon of the year when the planet Mercury moves in opposite direction of the planet Earth. But, it's an optical illusion.

It is similar to the one you experience when you're in a car on the highway moving faster than a train alongside you. The train appears to be moving backward, but it's just moving more slowly than you are. The same thing happens when our planet passes Mercury in our orbit around the sun. Mercury is just moving slower than Earth, causing the illusion that it's moving in retrograde.

This year, 2015, Mercury is retrograde from...

January 21st to February 11th

May 19th to June 11th

September 17th to October 9th

With the dates of the retrograde mentioned above, I should be thankful that my birthday does not fall to any of the dates. Geez, I now get what's up with the Geminis and Virgos (signs ruled by Mercury). Oops. But, Cancer has its issues being a water sign and ruled by the moon, and we're also hard to figure out (they said)... So, go figure!

Apparently, according to Astrologists, Mercury seems to impact people in most ways than the other planets (which also retrograde):

It’s because Mercury rules communication, clear thinking, truth and travel, so when the planet goes retrograde — which means that it looks like it’s going backwards in the sky — all those things go backwards. They start to get ugly and tangle up.

However,

Even people who “don’t believe in astrology” often “believe” in the crazy aftershocks of Mercury retrograde!

That's a half-relief.

It seems that when the planet is in retrograde, we're caught up with our "shadows", the less appealing side of our being, but it's the best time for "introspection" and to be more attentive to details of the important matters (we're dealing with).

The retrograde cycle tends to reveal what is not working properly, and although it can contribute to delays and frustrations, it can also reveal issues that are important to resolve, fix or address.

It is actually a very good time to deal with what has been put on the back burner, or to finish what had already been started much earlier.

It is a good time for reflective and creative writing, inner work, journaling, spiritual work and completing long overdue tasks.

So, if you want to know the Mercury Retrograde is with messing your life and you want to survive it, you can cross-check with the following:

http://thoughtcatalog.com/jamie-varon/2014/10/17-signs-this-mercury-retrograde-is-really-fcking-with-you/

http://galadarling.com/article/how-to-survive-mercury-retrograde/

My system is under par these last few days. So maybe next year, I'll have a memory of these repeating: down immune system, zit breakout, over-thinking, sinful desire to cut my long tresses like that of Catherine Zeta-Jones in Chicago, or maybe, Josie Natori's (because with the right sass (lol), short hair can be seeexaay [lol]).  For the record, I'm telling the truth. Really.

Maybe, I should check the dates for next year's Mercury retrograde.

To get ready.

Yes, for real.

LOL.

Really, I'm serious.

LOL.


On a serious note, for more scientific explanation of the phenomenon, here's Wiki and more of Wiki.


Sources:
1. http://www.mnn.com/lifestyle/arts-culture/stories/what-does-mercury-retrograde-mean
2. http://galadarling.com/article/how-to-survive-mercury-retrograde/
3. http://www.astrologyhoroscopereadings.com/2013-mercury-retrograde-calendar.html
4. http://www.astrologyhoroscopereadings.com/2014-mercury-retrograde-calendar.html
5. http://starchild.gsfc.nasa.gov/docs/StarChild/questions/question46.html
6. http://astrology.about.com/od/advancedastrology/p/MercuryRetro.htm
7. http://www.lynnkoiner.com/astrology-articles/retrograde-planets-lecture-notes