On Love

If love has a manual to follow, maybe we would not be at our wits’ end, deciphering every gesture, every word, and every nuance. If love is set, we would not worry our heart dropping to the ground at every turn with its uncertainties. If love has a map, maybe no one will fear the unfamiliar, inconvenience and unconventional it is notoriously known of. But maybe, all that makes love compelling; it is both the magic we desire and danger we repel.

 ~O~

Love has no clear and distinct definition. Its definition is inexhaustible, with varying connotations to different people. What we know of it is guided by its execution. It can feel/look/sound like an act ordained by the divine, or it becomes a distorted truth corollary of a devious game. It can be ideal with fluffy clouds, rainbows, and butterflies, or it can be raw, honest, and brutal, labored with real grit.

 ~O~

Believe and seek the higher love; the love that seeks for the higher good, the love that does not play games, the love referred to by Paul in his letter to the Corinthians, the love that fuqing hurts because it is real, the love that is faithful to the truth, the love that shines because it is pure, the love that conquers wickedness, the love that defeats bitterness and cures indifference. Love is not a weakness, but a power – an emancipation chosen and acted upon by REAL men and women.

We Are Designed To Heal

I have to admit I struggled between maintaining my privacy and reaching out to people. It's the same reason why I didn't, or rather stopped, posting pictures in my social media accounts and even minimized sharing quotes -- and realized I was and still fine with it -- because at some point, I felt I sounded too righteous. Knowing I was so flawed, struggling every now and then with my demons while keeping my balance, I felt guilty of being too "preachy". I lost the privilege of riding my high horse, so to speak, when I questioned everything I stood for. Even the simple act of sharing inspirational messages - thinking that by doing so would inspire someone and that someone would inspire another, and that one by one we could infuse more humanity in the chaotic world - lost its meaning.

I had no problem being open. My thought, joy, sarcasm, opinion, I shared them (and obviously, when it's a part of you, it never goes away, as evident by the posts here). But when one area of your life doesn't seem to fit with the other areas to make a whole you, everything you stood for and believed in seemed a... farce. That's what I felt, at least. So I stepped back - and was fine being a reader of my news feed and an amiable "Liker" of others' posts and photos - and scaled down my "sunshiny" personality. Can you imagine someone who's perpetually happy suddenly gotten dim? I felt like a sunflower in the desert, slowly wilting, day by day, under the intense heat of the sun, without the hope of being watered back to life anytime soon. I even had a soundtrack for it, Bright Eyes by Art Garfunkel. Lol.

That's what broken heart did to me, I just died. As Elite Daily stated, "Love Is A Motherf*cker". I suffered the pain of loss resulting from death but the pain of loss from someone breaking my heart, it's intense and magnified a thousand times (anyone who can relate, raise your arms). Maybe because I sincerely and faithfully put my trust in someone who assured me he would be there through the tough and happy times and suddenly, I found myself coping things alone. What's worst, it made me question if there was authenticity to every word he uttered and made me ask the most dreaded question: Did he even love me?

It's true that we go through  a lot of broken hearts in our lifetime and, most of them are our own making. To further stress the last part, I SOLELY feel responsible for all my broken hearts, because I made the choice to be a part of something, and in the case of a love affair gone wrong, I made the choice to make the person become a part of me. I know, I'm trying to be a captain of my ship, even if the ship wrecked me. Lol.

There are different levels of broken heart. Some we seem to recover easily in no time. But some just takes time and it changes us in so many ways like nothing else can. It changes our perspectives and the relationships we have with others. There's a definite taint in the issue of trust. We become selective of who should we let in in our lives. But the problem with it, we become closed off and we lost the chance to be a blessing to others.

But it's justified, right? The fear of being too vulnerable. The thought of people laughing at your misery. The loathing of being called stupid and affirming to the label. They weighed too much on the shoulders.

I shouted out loud before on so many occasions, "Yo, it's okay to wallow in misery", because somehow we all manage to find ourselves out of hell and end up okay. And that's what makes pain beautiful. Only, we won't see the beauty of it until it's over and we make it to the other side and evolve into someone better with higher level of consciousness, more mindful of ourselves and more empathetic about others.

Pain is a gift in a deformed box. We just have to have the grace to accept it and the patience to slowly peel off its wrapper before we can unravel, delight and be grateful of the beautiful content.

Self-talk By The Girl Who Feels Meh

Didn't you wish getting over was just as easy as changing one's clothes?

It's so f**king damn hard. It's so damn harder when you fell in love deeply because you allowed yourself to get in the sh*t deeper.

If you had it easy, the loss wouldn't be as painful. And won't be worth remembering. And wouldn't be as life-changing. And you wouldn't know how beautiful love is. The beauty and tragedy of love.

Despite of it all, never stop putting yourself out there. Life and Love can surprise you in the most awesome ways. If you believe, miracles do happen.

I think I just broke the mirror. Anyone who cares to donate?

Do You Have Standards?

EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE STANDARDS. I dare say!

James, threw the question at me in the car while on our way home. It was in reference to my singleness. He wanted to know if I am a picky person when it comes to choosing a partner. He was not the only one who asked that, but others were more blunt and very decisive that I am picky. Right. They knew better what they were talking about. And I always have to argue my point, like what I am going to do now. Lol.

You could and should not choose a partner for the sake of being in a relationship. Out of pressure, I know several people who married to get rid of the single status. If they are happy with it, fine. It's not my place to judge them. We all make different choices that suit us.

I was told I had I high standards and I was too picky. I used to agree then, to make them shut up and you know, they knew better. I already knew what I want in a relationship, in a person I want to be with. Only, I was not decided to be firm on what I want, or who I want.

They said I should lower my standards so I could get a hook up. Wait, what? After stating their opinion, that's the best suggestion they came up with. You know whenever I heard that, the first thing that came to mind was which part of me I should change in order to fit another person in my life. Second thought was, how low should I get to "soften" my high standards. My reason could not agree with it. It was wrong. My inner rebel just felt offended. Lowering my standard is like denying a part of my self to exist.

What's a standard in the first place? I bet each one has different definition of it. Everyone has different elements that define each of their standard. Just because some things work for others, they would work for the rest. It's wrong to push one's standard to others. Do I really have a high standard? I only know two elements that consist mine - love and connection. What's so high with that?

I do believe every part of a good relationship revolves with the two - one should complement with the other. I could not settle with just one. I could not settle for half-bake. I want something that is consists of everything alive. I do believe that when something is meant to be, everything just falls into place. I do believe when people are meant for each other, they do not need to lower their standards because each perfectly fit to what they're looking for, that they would accept each other for what they are and what they are not. I do believe no one should settle for something less than they deserve. I do believe everyone deserves the best.

And I want the best, according to my standard, not someone else's. I am sure I am not alone on that.

In fairness, James agreed with me. So did Alona, who was in the front seat with James.

I guess people can't help but ask questions and be concern with your life, relationship specifically. But if you explain how you want things for yourself and citing them -- and the standard they have for what they want -- as your argument, they would see things their way, instead of mine. Haha.